Cheshire Cat Musings.

My cat Dolly, passed away last night. 

It all must come to an end at one time or another.  Something must stop so something else can go on.

To quote Six Feet Under, "We must die to make life important."

I get that.  I really do.  But damn it.  I don't want to hurt.  I don't want this emptiness inside. 

I'm going to miss her, more than I've missed anyone.  She was my companion.  She was my familiar.  She was my strength, and my heart.  She was my base when I felt lost. 
She never judged me, she only loved. She listened without words, and loved with all of her being.  She was something of a marvel.  People who didn't know her loved her. 
She gave of herself freely, and was without prejudice. 

I'm not some crazy cat lady.  I'm not some sort of freak, who puts a personality into everything.  This was my friend for years.  Dolly was my cat for over fourteen years.  She was part of my childhood, she was part of my life. 

In time like these, times of mourning, she would let me hold her like a teddy bear.  And now, my arms are empty.  I've got no one to put my arms around.  No one to love me with out judgment, without rhyme or reason. 

my mother is an incompetent fool who now not hours later is talking of replacing her. 

I'm angry, I'm grief-stricken, And I'm lost.

I will miss her with a passion.  I will mourn her for the rest of my life. 

I miss the fell of her silky fur, I miss the sound of her calls, I miss the warmth she provided, I miss the feeling of her purring against my chest, I miss the way she'd lick my hands.  How she'd tip-toe around the edge of the bath tub to make sure I wasn't drowning.  I miss the way she lay on my books so there was no way I couldn't pay attention to her. 

Damn I'm going to miss that cat.

I'm going to miss that part of my child hood.


"Flowers fade, the fruits of summer fade, they have their seasons so do we."

   

Life in general tends to be tiring. 
Work is tiring.
School is tiring.
Friends are tiring.
Sleep is tiring.

Its amazing right now that I manage to fall out of my bed every day.  It seems sometimes the sheer act of breathing is like moving a mountain.

I'm such a slacker.  I should have gone to math class today.  I should have gotten up, put my pants on backwards, cussed, then put them on correctly, and fallen into my car which has been the schedule of late.  But no.  today I shut off the alarm clock and rolled over in bed, told my mother I'm not going in, she's okay with it, and now...now...

Now I can't fucking sleep. 

I suck.

I am actually much better from my last entry.  I'm not free of him and I don't think I ever will be.  He will haunt me, because I made a mistake,.  Though I'll be okay.

I don't need to have some one by my side to validate my existence. 
I'm going to be a bigger, better person tomorrow. 

I'll be stronger when the sun comes up. 

Until then, I'll satisfy myself with just being okay. 

M.H.M

WARNING:  There is extreme content.  Self mutilation, sex, homosexuality.  Please read with an open mind.  Just be aware of the content below.




Hello, 
My name is Meredith.  I'm new here, but I'm here because I've been driven from my original blog home, at Myspace.  
I've got a reason for being here.  I need haven.  Somewhere where I can write uninhibited, by eyes that are going to judge.  I can't say that I will find that here.  I hope I will, because frankly, I can't keep this bottled up anymore.

I'm here because I need help from my friends.  I need it in the worst ways.  I honestly don't mean to be Emo about all of these things, but, I supose I should start from the begining. I'm no bleeding-heart case.  I'm not someone to be pittied,  I don't want that.  I just want the help of my friends in my time of need.  I know there are others out there with it much worse off than myself.  And I'm not stealing their spot light, just their soap box for a few. 

I do need to start from the begining.  

When I was young, eight or nine, my parents split.  It was a nasty split, my dad left and I saw him once every two weeks.  It was really hard for me as it would be for any daddy's girl.  I took it hard and I took it personal.  It wasn't but I didn't figure that out until I turned 18.  I'm 19 now.

Anyway.  To say I had a rough upbringing would be a bit of an understatment.  My mother broke down and I raised myself from the time I was eight till I was sixteen.  Granted my dad was in my life, but he wasn't there to teach me the "facts of life" and I couldn't go to my new step mom.  I was essentially alone.  Thats not the point though.  I didn't come up in roses.  

When I was tweleve I began to cut.  I did it once, with an old rope knife.  It had a hooked blade, with a jagged edge by the hilt.  I cut across the back of my hand once.  In an X pattern.  I kept the wound open for three weeks. No one noticed. As time went on it got easier.  By the time I hit thirteen I was cutting full blown, and all up and down my arms.  Deep cuts, and I was considering suicide.  I was very sad.  Incredibly sad.  I wanted to die, and I was going to make it happen.  

I continued to cut even after I got help from my parents in middle school.  The help gave me a way to manage the pain, and also an ability to rationalize it. 

I cut up into my freshman year of high school.  I had to wear long sleeves for much of the hot summers here in Florida.  But did.

When I was a freshman, I met someone who was tall and dark, he was brooding and oh so attractive to a young girl who despirately wanted attention of the male varitiy. His nickname was Blaze.  He and I didn't really click at first, but when he finally noticed me, I was smitten.  I loved him.  And I thought, with what he told me, that he loved me.  But he was with a girl at the time and I'd been cheated on too much already to go between a man and a woman, I know how it is to be on the recieving end.   It hurt, because he would flirt, and bite on my shoulder.  He was very sexual.  It was overwhelming for me.  I didn't know how to react.  I thought I wanted him, and I cried hard one night, bought a box of safety pins, and slit the back of my hand open, because he kissed me and then turned and went back to his girl.  There was a gentle giant there to take the pins out of my hand, that night.  He is Panda.  He is my Panda.  He warned me about how Blaze would use a woman for sex, but I knew I could change him.

Yeah.  I could change him.  Blaze broke up with his girl a few weeks/months later.  You will have to forgive me, I'm bringing a lot of this up from the depths.  And much of it I wish could stay burried.   And he "choose" me next.  I was thrilled, so much in fact that I forgot that my loving girlfriend and I had broken up not days earlier because she wouldn't come out of the closet about me.  

Yes I am bisexual, not confused.  I loved my girlfriend dearly.  She still haunts me.  I wish I hadn't given up so easy.  But it happens, sometimes you know. 

Blaze made me forget the internal pain I was going through.  It was not a whirl wind romance.  Romance is not the word.  It was pressure from day one.  Flash me.  Let me finger you,  let me eat you out.  Let me fuck you.  Day one.  It was a sexual overdrive.  I was...shocked, flattered and even someone aroused.  

I'd never thought that anyone could find me attractive, I was/am heavy set, not model thin, but I don't have to have help to get around.  I've got a round face, with deep set eyes, and a pair of lips that really belong to someone else.  My hair is a little frizzy on somedays, and I've always got bags under my eyes.  My skin is so pale and frail that it scars easily, so there are acne marks.  I've got big breasts which to say the least are not as perky as I'd like them to be, there is also that wonderful blue vien across them.  And of course I've got my cutting scars.  My friends say I'm pretty, and men have said I'm beautiful.  But I really don't believe them. 

I never thought anyone would find me attractive, I was drawn as a moth to the flame.  I ate up the attention.  I devoured the "love" that was given to me.  The attention paid.  The way he called me "Mine".  It was everything I needed, and I bought it, hook, line and sinker.  But that nagging voice in the back of my head?  No it wasn't dead.  I wanted it to stop.  I longed to beg for a repreive.  I didn't though.  It was the typical, "if I say no, he won't love me"

How fucking cliche.  I was just a baby.  Just a little one.  I didn't know.  I didn't know how to grow a spine.  So I went along.  I never said no.  I never said stop.  But I never said go, I never said yes.  We had phone sex, he told me dirty things, and I smiled, I played along with his game.  Its my fault I should've stopped it, but I didn't.  I should've opened my mouth, I should've found my voice, but instead, I didn't.  I longed for it to stop.  But it kept on, though I was hesitant, though I stalled, for weeks.

I don't remember the day.  I don't remember the month.  I don't remember the time.  I remember the place, the weather, and that sinking feeling in my stomach, when he planned to take my virginity.   It was cold, it was wet, it was rainy.  I was told to bring a towel.  He took me by my wrist and walked with me to the park, he found a place out by the lake.  it was secluded.  I'm not an exhibitionist I don't like doing things in the open.  Especially not that. But he convinced me anyway.  He laid out the towel and took off all of my clothes.  I don't remember exactly what I was wearing, I remeber having on a white lace bra, the last of my innocence, huh?  And these pink and white striped socks with little brown monkeys on them.  I remember thinking did he have to take off my socks.  The answer was apparently yes.  He laid me back, he had to really push me down, the last part of me was screaming.  He never asked.  He never fucking asked.  He then went to town.  I don't remember what happend.  I don't.  I mean I know the mechanics of it.  But the feeling was of complete numbness.  I felt nothing but the cold of the rain, the water running down my face, being the tears I couldn't cry.  There was no pain.  There was no bliss.  There was no climax.  I make a joke of the thoughts I had.  I have to laugh now, because if I dont' I'll cry. 
"Do I need mayonnaise?  Can 'Manda make me a sandwich, do we have mustard? Is he done? No...ow! My hip, he's dislocating my hip.  I wonder whats on Felicity tonight...wait..I don't watch Felicity.  Hasn't that been canceled?"
That is probably the most humorous part of this entry.  The sound of rain filled my head, and I layed there waiting for the end, he was done soon. And pulled away. 
Cliche: "Was it as good for you as it was for me?"
Yeah..sure it was.
I got dressed, cleaned up, and made like it was the best in the world.  He walked with me back to where I was to meet my ride, and kissed my head.  

I didn't cry.   I didn't cry for months.  When I found out he was cheating on me, I didn't cry at all. That little piece of me, just curled up and died.  It withered away.  And fluttered away in the breeze.  I broke up with him and he told me he loved me, and that he was giving me his heart, and I told him I was giving it back.

While Blaze and I were dating, I told him I loved him with all of my heart and soul and that I gave him my soul.  Those words are haunting me today.  The words I wrote, about him being able to teach me.  to love me. to help me see why not to cut.  At the time, I ment them.  I ment them so much more than I thought I ever could. I want to say it was love, it was despiration to have the paper back novel romance. 

Yes, he made me see why not to cut, but I continued for a while longer.  It was Panda who made me make a promise to stop. Panda who at the time was a complete stranger. Panda who took the items out of my hands.  Panda who wrapped his arms around me.

I don't remember much from there.  I know I dated a few guys, and I actually got back with Blaze, at the same time he got with 'Manda, who was living under my roof.  Like we wouldn't talk.  She told me and I was crushed and angered.  So I told him again to shove it and he had no remarks. 

This was in a span of three to four months.  I began dating Panda in late 2003, and when Panda told Blaze we were dating, Blaze made the comment "Well it doesn't matter I fucked her first"

Yes.  He did.  He took from a fifteen year old girl who didn't love herself enough yet to say no.   That's something to be proud of.  Panda and I dated steadily for nearly three years, and Blaze would rear his head every now and again.  No time as bad as it has been this last time.  

He began to make comments about sleeping with me.  In public.  He drove the point to hurt me. 

Panda did nothing.  Unfortunately, I had not told Panda how badly all of this had hurt me, and how I felt.  I also was angry that Panda was not putting a stop to it. 

Blaze continued off an on every other week. 

Panda and myself hosted a Game night with a friend Jake.  Blaze joined up a few weeks after we got started.  I  lost my spine.  I didn't say no.  It wasn't my house.  It's Pandas. 

After a few weeks we moved GameNight to Jake's house.  And that is when the pennicle came. While Jake was showing Panda were the bathroom was, I made the assinine comment about Jake's snake having slithered up my arm and into my shirt, a while ago.  
"I've been in your shirt too" Blaze commented. 

It was a provoked attack I admit.  But I wish it had never been said.

I begged Panda to put an end to it, that night, and Panda told me to get to where it didn't bother me.  Panda and I have since broken up, but are trying to fix the broken pieces.  It wasn't this alone.  The break up was because of a lot of things, this just broke the camels back. 

The following game night, everyone but myself cancelled and I was left to talk to Jake alone.  I told him I wanted to quit because of my personal reasons.  Two hours later he pryed the truth from me.  He was enraged.  I begged to let Blaze stay and told him I wanted him gone.  But Jake told me that Blaze was no longer allowed on his property.  He was told to leave the following week.  

It was quite for a while.  It was nice. 

Now the wound is throbbing again.  He's back and biting.  He's turned an ex-co-worker on me.  He's biting me, from the shadows.   Angry Blogs saying and I quote

"First off, Mery, you are a royal bitch. if it wasn't for me you would have slit your wrists and died long ago, so get off your fucking high horse! And all those times? Its only been once or twice, and who the fuck do you think you are.........bitch!"   It makes my heart pound. It makes me cry.  I don't care about the names.  I care that its not ending. 

 
I recieved an Email from him in Myspace Inbox today. 

" " for everything youve done for me i can never thank you enough. youve helped me through the darkest of timesand i dont know what to do to thank youwhen iv wanted to cut my self you were there to remind me why i shouldent , thank you for being a teacher and a friend, may the gods smile on you , and know im allways here for you. My heart and soul are yours.
forever a friend and confidant"
remember that? you really need to get off youre high horse!
1: i have never rubed any thing in youre face.
2: i never said " atleast i got her first" you just choose to listen to every one else,
and if anything i should be pissed off at you for causing me to loose me my friends.
you know, you really are being a bitch. im really sorry if i offended you, but you need to stop blameing me for every thing that went wrong! for fuck sakes, you even started hateing sabrina for being with me! i dont know what the hell is wrong with you, but fucking stop!

do not cross me again! "

This causes my heart to stop.  I can't even write this with that up there.   I cannot look at it.  I'm sure that this is again a provoked attack.  I've written in blogs about him.  About the pain he's caused me.  I've even thanked him for the pain.   

" Thank you "Blaze".  The hate you have instilled in me has made me stronger.  The hurt you put me through has made me realize that no man has the right to wound me.  I am not your toy, and I am not your slave.  You have begun and fueled your own funeral fire.  I can't thank you enough for giving me the strength to get up, and get on with life, and realize my mistakes. You have taught me a valuable lesson.  I was not a fool to love you.  You were a fool to use me and hurt me the way you did.  I'm not proud of my scars that you've left, but they give me something to work for.  I hope to the Gods you rue the day you uttered the words "It doesn't matter I got her first". But if you don't.  Thats fine, I'm already better."  

I know I provoked him.  

Posted on 9-16 : Now that Blaze is back in my life, and tearing me down.

 "Oh it's such a beautiful night, I think I'll kill myself.  What else is there to do? It's so incredibly lovely out, and it's not as if anyone is going to drop by, though on nights like this...I wish somebody would.  I really don't want to be alone right now.  Fuck. Another one of these nights. Well this time I'll make sure there aren't anymore. EVER!!! No more dreaming for real friends!! No more stars for me to be alone under!! No more I'm blowing through that lid. I'm going over the stars. Somethings gone wrong with me. I know that. It's this place, it's made me sick somehow. All I smell is shit on this dieseased reality. All I can see is things full of rot and riddled with stingers. Time for something NEW! Over the stars."

I know for a fact Jhonen didn't want someone to kill themselves with this as their last thought.  That is apparent by NailBunny interviening at the last moment.  But it is a moving passage.  And when you take it for what it is, it means a lot, for someone who hasn't always enjoyed life.

I'm feeling more and more like that, especially since Blaze has come back. He's beating me down for him being my first.  He's hurting me in ways that I can't describe.  Every day he makes me feel worse for having that moment of weakness, for allowing him to push me into something I really didn't want to do, and didn't enjoy.  Even to this day it makes my stomach curn.  I wish I could bleach him out of my life.  I wish I could make that very moment in my life different, replace him with Panda, or delete it comepletely. He is causing me to not enjoy the private moments with Chris. I push him away, and he thinks its his fault.  Because I feel guilty.  I gave up a good thing for Blaze.  And I hate myself everyday for it.  If I could cut him out of my life, I would.  Goddess I hate myself for letting him push me into that. I make light of it because I feel horrible.

And now he's talking trash about my sister Amanda.  I know she and I have had a hard time.  There was a time that I hated her, and I'm sure she hated me, but thats not the case anymore.  We've both grown up, we've both changed, and become better people and I love that girl.  She is always going to be my sister.  I'd go to the ends of the world for her and she would do the same.  Blaze calls her the bitch, and the whore.  He threatens her boyfriend, and it drives me crazy.  He talks dirty about the female love of my life.

Darien.  I love her.  I'd leave Panda for her.  She makes my head spin, and my heart stop.  I do love her, and he talks about her like she's trash! Like she's a whore. I'll break his face if he talks about her like that again.  She is important to me, and I do not want him to defile her in any way. 

I'm tired of being defiled myself.

I am not a tramp, I am not a whore.

So why does he get to make me feel that way? "



Posted On: 9-18 

"Blaze is slowly working his way under my skin. Panda ended up finally telling him to back off, because I was going to cancel on game night with Jake, and Panda.  I really hate him.  Every time he looks at me I feel sick.  And nobody has a right to make me feel that way. 

He doesn't have the right to make me hate myself. He doesn't have the right to ruin the private moments between myself and Panda.  He's a mistake, and an accident.  He's someone all girls get to know and end up regretting it.  He's a scar on my heart, and he makes me sick.  He talks too much and is self centered.  He thinks only of his personal gain and getting high.  He thinks he's better than God himself.  And he blasphmes my religion.  He needs to say just one more thing about being a God and being greater than Isis and I will disembowl him. 

This is a nightmare I just can't wake up from. "


Those have been it.  That I can find.  I have told my friends and begged for help.  And now I'm driven here.  

I feel dirty.  I feel disgusting.  I feel horrible..

I will always walk around with a black mark, I will always walk around with the big A emblazed on my breast.  I've got no choice.  I hate myself.  I've always hated myself, from the time it happened.  I could've stopped it and I didn't.  

I want to bleach myself clean.  I hate myself everytime I look in the mirror.  I hate the way I look. 

Heater, a close friend, tried to make me feel beautiful tried to make me see.  And he suceeded, but his company is gone now.   He's home in the southern parts and his esscence has faded.  

I hate who I am.  I hate being me.  I'd risk losing everything to change that one moment.  I'd give it all up.  I'd give everything up.

I honestly don't want to hurt anymore.  But thats all I can do, now.  All I have is my regret.  I wish it was not so.  I wish I didn't remember his face.  I wish I didn't live here anymore.  I want to go to DeLand, I want to go to St. Pete.  I want to go anywhere far away.  I'm tired of it all.  

So thats my story.  Thats a part of me.  

I don't cut anymore, but my friends don't know to look for scratch marks.  I've got dark spots on my wrists from where I've dug too deep.  Jake's had a few nights of holding my hands away from my arms.  

I'm defective, I'm dirty.  I'm horrible. 

I don't want to feel that way anymore...


I don't deserve this.

Meredith













"